Articles of interest to those who desire peace. www.ateacherofbeing.com Go to A Teacher of Being at Facebook and follow for updates, insights and reminders.
Sometimes we find it hard to see our own worth. We find it hard to speak our truth and instead, find ourselves compromising ourselves and then often blaming someone else for our decision.
I worked with a client who was always blaming other people for his decisions. He works for a guy who doesn't pay him enough, he works with a guy who doesn't work hard enough, he never has enough time, he works a few jobs in order to "get somewhere", he has too much work but not enough money and all of these things are someone else's fault.
The art of negotiation involves not compromising what is important to you and making a fair and workable situation for everyone. Most people find the balance tipped in one way or another, either feeling like they are being taken advantage of or there are those who believe in a "dog eat dog", or "survival of the fittest" attitude, getting what they can get at any cost.
Doing what is right for you and trusting that being honest with yourself and others will result in a situation that benefits all seems to be a more open and sustainable way to operate in all areas of our lives. A lot of people feel that if they are open and honest then they are vulnerable to being taken advantage of. I find that if I am open and honest, other peoples motives are more clear and then I am able to chose whether I participate with that person or not, it is easier to see what their motivations are and walk away if you feel they are not in alignment with yours. There doesn't have to be a judgement of wrong or right, just whether it is in alignment with you or not.
Here is part of one of our conversations for you to read from when he first came to see me. I have left in some of the more explicit words he used to keep it authentic so I apologise if this offends you.
So, you have explained that you don't like how much one of your clients is paying you, have you told them?
No, he is such an arsehole, he wont pay me any more, he will just get rid of me.
How do you know if you don't ask?
I can't ask because I need the job, I can't afford to loose it.
Why does that make him an arsehole, that you need the job?
Because the old owner used to pay me more and now the new guy dropped the rates. It's just not fair and not good business.
Did he tell you he was going to do this?
Well, yes but what could I do, I need the job?
So you agreed?
I had to, I just told you.
Did you discuss it with him?
No, there is no point, he said that is the blanket rate he is paying everyone now.
How did it feel when you agreed?
I don't know, I suppose I felt ripped off. Like he was just trying to screw me out of money, you know, that's just business.
You agreed to work for the money. You agreed to the terms. Why are you so angry when you agreed to it?
Because it is not fair! Its not the way it should be and it makes it harder for me. You shouldn't be allowed to treat people that way.
So why do you agree to be treated that way?
I didn't really agree! I have told you, I need the job. I didn't agree, I just had to do it.
Ok, so why do you need the job?
Pretty stupid question, to pay the bills.
Is that true? Don't you have other jobs?
Yes but I have other bills.
Have you worked out how much you need and how much you spend etc? Have you done the practical budgeting side of it?
Well no, but you can never have enough money, there is always something to pay. (at this point he becomes agitated, fidgety and uncomfortable, so it is clear we are getting somewhere)
So how does it feel when you never have enough?
It sucks, it feels like you work your whole life and get nowhere. No one helps you, its just work and bills, work and bills and I am lucky, I love what I do.
Do you love it?
I just told you I do, I am lucky, I love it.
So why does it cause you such resentment, doing what you love?
Its not doing what I love, its the money stuff that makes me angry.
So its the payment for your time that is the problem.
What you have told me is that you don't like your client for offering you an amount of money that you don't think is enough and you chose to accept the exchange. Would you say that is true?
You talk about choice as if there is one. You make it sound like it's my fault.
No one mentioned fault, that would imply blame. Its quite simple really, he makes you an offer, as you say, its business not personal, and you have the right of accepting or refusing. Where in there is their no choice?
But its not fair.
Ok, lets say it's not fair, but where is their no choice? We are talking about choice here.
He looks uncomfortable. Ok, so technically, I chose to accept the offer but I didn't like it.
So you chose to accept the offer, how does thinking that make you feel?
Well, a little less angry I suppose but from that point of view a bit stupid too.
But you don't understand, I have to survive, I need money,
So from the point of view of choice, what could you have done differently.
Told him to stick it.
Well, lets look at it again. Is there a way you could say what you would like to say without anger or blame? It is always more effective when we talk from a place of truth and real power rather than anger or resentment.
I would have said that isn't enough and I would like what I was getting paid before. I would have told him I was worth more than that and if he couldn't pay me, I would have to leave.
Ok, so how does the thought of saying that make you feel.
(his body starts to relax and the tension and resistance seem to lesson on his face) Like I should have said that, its more true than what I said. Actually, if you look at it that way he might have changed his mind or I might have left and found something better.
I think I need to slow down and think a little more. (laughing)
So how does it change how you feel about the job when you realise that you had a choice, you just made one that wasn't in alignment with what you wanted?
(quiet for a moment). It feels a bit like freedom but I feel a little scared at what it means for the rest of the decisions I have made in my life. I don't seem to be too happy about a lot of things and it feels pretty overwhelming to look at all that right now.
Thats ok, one thing at a time. Just remember that you are always in control of the choices you make, even down to how you feel in any given moment when there seems like there is no choice.
That is just an excerpt from a basic conversation with a client on our first meeting. When people come to see me, we start where they are, in that moment. Everyone is different. Some people come to sit in the space to enhance their own perception, some to work through issues, some to delve into who they are, some to work with their own spiritual growth, others to get out of their heads.
Where ever you are, if there is anything that is out of alignment in your experience, start where you are NOW. Something as small as an attitude change can really send us into huge change within ourselves and how we view the world.
The biggest change comes when we view the world from Being, not from our identity, then things really start to take shape...or loose shape as the case may be!
It is all in where you place your attention. It is all in where you are in the moment.
Are you in blame, fear, resentment, resistance?
Are you more open to look at what is happening from an awareness perspective?
Breath, take a moment. Remove your attention from your mind.
Start where you are now!
This article was posted due to requests via email for more examples of client sessions and the ability to change perception.
If you have found this helpful at all, please share a link back to this page or web site. There are always more articles to come so you can link to get regular feeds it you wish. Follow on Facebook, A Teacher of Being.